I settled with God.
I settled in my relationship with Him. And I told myself that where I was in life was good enough.
I settled for, “I’m doing enough,” and for, “I’m Christian-enough” (whatever that means…)
I fight a habit of settling for the minimum. And I caught it in another area of my life this summer.
I had stayed away from God, because I was afraid that He would change me.
I let my relationship with Him drift and I let space in between us; allowing distractions, work, and daily demands to fill in the gap.
But I wasn’t too busy, I wasn’t really distracted.
I was really scared.
I was scared that He would take my boyfriend. I was nervous that He would tell me I was with the wrong friends, I wasn’t going the right direction, that I was in the wrong major, or that I was doing yet another thing wrong. (Spoiler: I probably am.) I was afraid that if I got close, my steps towards Him would be met with confrontation, a list of corrections, or a cold shoulder.
And so, in my mind, I settled for where I was. I kept my distance because I was surviving and at least had all the checkpoints crossed off. You know, the “big” ones like church attendance, good friends. Bonus points for going to a Christian school right? The stuff that is so easy to judge on the outside.
I traded my relationship with Christ for a shell of religious covering, an outside that looked pretty great and right, but one that left the inside lonely and afraid.
I stopped seeking Him in prayer when I had a decision to make, I stopped asking for His direction. I stopped spending time with Him. And I felt the impacts of all those choices.
Church felt empty, like I was just going through the rituals. The peace that I usually carried everywhere with me withered and began to lose its potency. I started to dry up. Not entirely, but more than enough to get uncomfortable. Enough that I began to thirst to get back to that place of childlike faith, of love, and of awe.
What does it mean to go deeper, to know Christ more, and to really go from glory to glory? What does that look like?
It means not stopping. It means refusing to stop chasing after God. That even when He gives you an answer that you don’t forget where that answer came from. It means reminding yourself of the Source. And it means returning to that source, day after day.
“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you.” – Psalm 42:1
It means stepping out of the comfort that turned into complacency, and being open to becoming everything that God dreamt of for your life.
It often means change.
But, if God is going to change you, it will be a good change.
And this has been hard for me to accept.
We are reminded daily that we live in a world that is not good. Our lives are filled with reminders to be alert, to be on the lookout for evil, to be aware because you never know what’s coming. But in all that mess, it is easy to forget that the Lord is good. That He is SO good. And that everything He does is good. Because He is good.
I need to stop holding onto the self I have created for me. I am not defined by people, but I am also not defined by myself. I am only defined by Him. And there is such peace in that truth.
I have to trust him. With all of me. Every single part. Even the parts I’m scared of, the parts I’m intimidated by, even the parts of me that I don’t like. He makes me into everything He dreamt of. And I don’t need to be scared of that. Because He is good.