Miscarriage, Anger, Hope, and Trusting God

Men and Miscarriage... My journey through a miscarriage and what I learned.

I decided awhile back that I want to be the same person everywhere I go. I don’t want to hide or change who I am. I want to be me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I believe when we put on masks there is real damage that is done. We say we are okay, pretend we don’t sin, and watch what we say because we are afraid people will be offended by what is going on in our lives. That to me is about as far from Jesus as you can get. And I believe that until you show your ugly side the healing process cannot begin.

It’s one thing to say that, but it’s much harder to actually live that way. It sounds so easy, but to express your doubts, fears, and struggles can be hard. But I think it’s worth the risk.

In our culture we place far too much value on looking the part. Saying the right words, avoiding the wrong ones. But I don’t think that’s healthy. There are thousands of people that have dealt with this. And PC answers just do not suffice. So here it is, here’s my story and the lessons I have learned from having a miscarriage. 

I doubt I’ll ever forget the first night after we miscarried… It’s one of those things that you just can’t prepare for. It was always someone else’s problem, somebody else’s story. Until it became mine. And I had no idea how to live it out. So there I am lying in bed trying to process these feelings. I wouldn’t say I was talking with God, in all honesty I was more talking at God.

I’ll spare the details, but I was angry, hurt, and unsure sure of why things had to happen the way that they did.

After what seemed like a lifetime of laying in bed, crying, staring blankly at the wall and praying what felt like empty prayers that became increasingly desperate, my focus shifted. I don’t know why but the story of Job came into my head. Job experienced more loss than I will experience in a lifetime. I wonder what he felt and the thoughts he had.

And I started thinking about God’s response to Job when he asked why he was allowed to suffer so much. If you are familiar with the story you know God doesn’t give an answer but rather for pages goes on and on about how He is God and Job is not.

I gotta be honest, I think that sounds like bull to me. I want an answer. I want to know why this happened. I want reason in this chaos. I want to know why God decided not to let me hold my baby.

I think what I was really searching for was comfort. I wanted to know that God was there and He cared. I started praying asking God to show me that he cared about what I was going through. I asked Him to show up to me in a physical way. I wanted to feel him with me; I wanted to feel comfort of some kind. I wanted to know that despite the fact of how I felt, that somehow, in someway, He was still in control and things would work out.

I feel asleep alone that night, with no comfort and no answer to my prayer.

It’s been a strange journey to process this loss. It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around. Some days it just seems like it wasn’t real. Other days it seems all too real. Some nights all I want is to pour another drink and forget, to not face reality for a few moments. Other nights I’m angry and still yet some nights seem totally normal. It’s a strange mix of emotions that I wasn’t prepared for.   

I wish I had something more comforting to say, but I don’t. I’ve preached and taught for years that God is close to the brokenhearted (and I still believe that). But that night I didn’t feel it. And if I’m honest I still haven’t felt that in the months preceding. At other times in my life I’ve had profound experiences and I’ve known beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was with me. I know in my head that God is with me, but I sure haven’t felt it.

Throughout this journey I’ve known in my head that God is good. But I can’t bring myself to say that, and I sure don’t feel it. I’ve accepted what’s happened and it doesn’t effect my day to day. However I still don’t have peace, I don’t have an answer, and I still haven’t felt any comfort.

It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. Breaking the news to friends and family was some of the hardest conversations I’ve had. Bringing this into the open hasn’t been easy. At every turn I want to isolate myself and withdraw from community. But I know I shouldn’t. I know because I’ve preached for years in the most difficult seasons you shouldn’t run from people, but rather run towards people. But knowledge doesn’t make doing what you know is right easier.

I’ll keep pushing forward. In this life I doubt I will ever understand, I doubt I will ever have peace. But what I do have is faith. I trust that God is working in ways I cannot see or understand. I trust that the best hands my baby can be in is God’s, even if that means they are not my hands. I trust that all my affliction is temporary. I trust that every millisecond of my misery is producing a peculiar eternal glory. I trust that this is not meaningless.

My faith isn’t based on my feelings. Because I certainly don’t feel this way most days. Daily I have to remind myself of the truth of the Gospel. Daily I have to preach to myself. I trust that God is good, not because my circumstance, but because that’s all He can be.

Therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for. John Piper

Maybe you’ve been through this. Maybe you’ve been through something different, but still hurt. I can’t promise things will get better. But I do believe you can get through whatever it is you are facing.

Share Your Story

The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my experience. I wanted to bottle it up and not tell anyone. But what I needed to do was tell someone. Life isn’t meant to be lived alone, especially in the hard times. You need to tell others. Don’t keep it in.

I’m terrible at telling this kind of news so I just kinda vomit it out there. That’s the only way I know how. It’s not pretty, but it gets it out there. Find a friend or family member you can tell. Don’t worry about the words, just say it.

Take a risk and tell someone what’s going on in your life. Don’t bottle it up and hold it in. Not only is it better for you to share, but you never know the impact your story will make.

Express What You are Feeling to God

Whether you are angry, sad, depressed, numb, or whatever else give it to God. Exactly how you feel, don’t censor yourself. Just give it to him. For me I journal my prayers. I found this helpful because I get a little distracted and writing helps me focus. It’s the way I’ve found that I can best describe what I’m feeling to God. 

Another thing that helps me is listening to some music that expresses what I’m feeling. I’m not really a worship music guy. I don’t connect with most of the songs out there, but there are a few. So make a playlist and use that as an expression to God. Though you Slay Me by Shane and Shane

A Prayer by Kings Kaleidoscope

Find your way, whatever it is, to get what’s in your mind and on your heart to God.

Don’t Stop Trusting God

My first reaction is well if you aren’t going to do this for me, why should I trust you again? But I’m not God and there are plenty of things in this world I just will not understand this side of eternity. It comes down to where your faith it. Is it in your circumstances? Or is it in the promise of the Gospel?

That’s a tough question to ask yourself. But faith based in circumstances will always fall apart. Faith built on the promises of God will stand firm. Don’t let your difficult circumstances dictate your faith. Get alone with God and preach the Gospel to yourself daily.

I don’t have answers… I wish I did, but I don’t. I have far more questions than anything else. But what I do know is there are people out there with a similar story. I know I’m not alone. I wanted to put this struggle to words for those that have experienced it; maybe you can get some comfort that your thoughts and questions are normal and others have been there too. I get it, I’ve been there.

I also want people that have not experienced this loss to have a small idea what it is like. If that’s you maybe when you have a friend or family member go through this you can be there for them. You don’t have to have any words. Just your presence, just a phone call, can be comforting.

And if nothing else I can share my story which is part of the healing process.

If you’ve experienced this I would love to hear your story. Comment your experience below.

23 comments on “Miscarriage, Anger, Hope, and Trusting God

  1. AMAZING!!✨🙏😇❤️


  2. Jeffery, I love your open heart; transparent Christianity. May our God hold you in His loving arms and help you find peace.

    We all have struggles. Our oldest son, who is 52, has small cell lung cancer. He has been told at the best he has 5 more years. My wife is a diabetic that lives in denial. I have been watching her health decline slowly over the years. I watched my own father die of cancer. It took a year from diagnosis until he passed.

    The only way I have found to cope with watching people I love slowly die is the Job story you wrote about. God’s answer is all I have to cling to. He is God. It is His plan. It is His creation. It is not about me.

    I try to imagine humanity from God’s perspective. He can see every person that ever lived and will live at the same time. They are all a piece of the fabric of eternity He is weaving. We are a very small part of it all, and yet He loves us deeply. He teaches us through it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. It is never about what I want. It is His creation and His plan.

    All that being said, I don’t have to understand. I just need to be surrendered and ready to be put into action with what He is teaching me when He calls me to get into the game.

    My faith is simple. He is God and I am not. That is all. May He teach us through lives tragedies what He needs us to know to help others find Him in the storms.

    God be with you Jeffery


  3. Thanks for sharing your story while pointing us in the direction of hope in Christ. I know it’s difficult, but I am positive God will use it to bring hope to someone else. He never wastes a hurt.
    I’m praying for you and yours to experience the peace and comfort of God.
    Grace and peace,


  4. A friend once told me, after I had my miscarriage, tell the Lord axactly how you feel. He already knows anyway. But she also said, don’t stay there, because I know that exactly what I felt like doing. But God is faithful


  5. Rhonda Harrington

    Love your honest, sincere words to which so many can relate- I am sorry you are living with the reality that your child is in Heaven before you. I am also a bereaved parent- now 11 years out in my journey.

    I would like to make you aware of a faith-based support group exclusively for bereaved parents. It is called While We’re Waiting. God has really blessed this ministry in growth across the nation and beyond. Please check out the website for information- they also have a FB page where parents may post freely in an environment of safety & understanding.

    I am going to share your blog post on the WWW FB page today. Praying blessings & comfort to you & your family-🙏


  6. I had a miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago. I was very surprised to find out I was pregnant at age 45. I had read my chances of miscarriage was 50 percent. But at my first 8 week check up, I thought this is really happening and I was excited. Love babies. Have 3 other children. Anyway I was scheduled for an ultrasound at 9 weeks, but lost it days before. My heart was truly broken. It is a terrible thing to go through. A few days afterwards the Lord spoke to my heart and said, “your love for this child is neither lost or is it wasted.” And some how that helped. Blessings!!


  7. Lots of love to you. God bless xxx


  8. Scott Harmening

    We lost a baby at about 8 weeks (not technically miscarriage, but she had D&C) over 23 years ago. It was hard for her, but no so much for me. It didn’t seem very real to me at the time. But fast forward to last June, and we suffered a soul crushing loss when our 17 year old daughter was killed in a church bus accident. And we deal with a lot of the same things you talk about. We believe that God is good, regardless of our circumstances, but that is something people say when something goes their way. We prayed (a lot) for the mission trip that she was going on, yet God still allowed her to be taken. That is hard to reconcile sometimes. It is a choice to trust and believe, even when you don’t always feel it.


  9. Coming out and telling us your story even though its one of the toughest things you have been experiencing is an encouragement in itself for me. For a couple of years I was like that… i have not opened up my heart to anyone and ran away from people and God when I am in sad that made me more depressed and closed my heart. My thoughts became so close to killing myself at one point. At which point God stopped me and bought me back on a journey to find him and open up. I am inspired by your story that you shared it. I know that the struggle is real. Hope God gives you strength everyday.


  10. my wife and I have gone through 11 pregnancies 8 did not survive. 7 of those miscarriages took place after our first 2 children were born. Well meaning people would often encourage us to look on the bright side, we had 2 healthy children.
    With no body to burry there was no funeral or memorial service to help us through our grief just people who meant well trying to tell us that we were blessed to have our other children. We never felt we had permission to grieve with fellow believers and friends because to them this wasn’t that big a deal. It angered me that people in the church during their pro-life arguments talked about murdering the unborn and the value of the unborn child but viewed a spontaneous abortion (miscarriage not caused by a doctor) as no big deal.

    I believe the church must find a way to play a roll in this grief, to help those who have had a miscarriage to mourn their dead child just as we would for anyone who looses a loved one.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. I am very sorry to hear that. I hope you find comfort. My sister had a miscarriage years ago. I had had a dream many years prior to that in which she had a miscarriage but then she had another baby. When she had the miscarriage, she reminded me of the dream I had. I had totally forgotten. She said I know it will be ok. She miscarried on Christmas Day in 2009. December 28, 2010, she gave birth to my beautiful nephew. I pray that you find the comfort that you need and I pray for peace above all else.


  12. I believe you have amazing faith and hope. Even Jesus had his moment when he cried out, “God why have you forsaken me?” But remember, he didn’t stay there, he then surrendered his spirit in peace. Did God forsake him? I don’t believe so, that was his only son whom he loved. Sometimes our pain is so great that we can’t hear God’s voice, a voice that is like a whisper. But God is always talking to us…and to you. His will for you is good, he is restorer. There’s a book and a song I highly recommend. The book is The Shack, the movie is great to. It’s a symbolic view into the heart of God and the trinity through unspeakable loss. The song is Miracles by Chris quilala which he wrote when his new born baby died. Thank you for sharing, and God bless you. Praying for you.


  13. Thank You for sharing. Your words resonate with me deeply. My husband and I have 3 children here on earth with us and 6 waiting for us in heaven. Your right that you never get over it. But I do believe there can be closure that can bring a peace in accepting the loss as part of your story. But that takes time, and perhaps for some it doesn’t come, I pray it does though. For my husband and I it took almost 15 years. Thank you again for sharing, there is healing in sharing our stories.


  14. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I have had two miscarriages this past year. I had a blighted ovum miscarriage in January 2017 and then a chemical pregnancy in August 2017.
    You are right, it is such a strange range of emotions. It’s so hard to understand. One of the hardest parts for me is that it is something we don’t have control over. It’s our own body and we don’t have control over what it will do. I have had trouble myself in feeling my belief in God. Like you said, you know in your head he is with you, but you didn’t feel him. I have had so many feelings of doubt of what the reasoning is behind all of this.

    “I don’t have answers… I wish I did, but I don’t. I have far more questions than anything else. But what I do know is there are people out there with a similar story. I know I’m not alone. I wanted to put this struggle to words for those that have experienced it; maybe you can get some comfort that your thoughts and questions are normal and others have been there too. I get it, I’ve been there. And if nothing else I can share my story which is part of the healing process.”

    EXACTLY! Well said.

    Thank you for being strong and sharing. I have found that writing in my blog has helped me process all of this and in turn I have received responses from others who have had these experiences who said my writing has comforted them. If we can’t understand completely, at least we can try to band together as we all continue on this journey.

    God bless and you’re in prayers.


  15. Also, loved this part:

    “The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my experience. I wanted to bottle it up and not tell anyone. But what I needed to do was tell someone. Life isn’t meant to be lived alone, especially in the hard times. You need to tell others. Don’t keep it in.”

    I felt the same way after it all first happened, but after a few months I was feeling so isolated. I just sat down and wrote it all out and shared it. I felt self conscious at first, but overall I am glad I have written about the journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I am very sorry, Jeffrey.

    As you likely know, grief is a very real and powerful process. My heart breaks for you and your wife as you embark upon this most unexpected journey.

    Also, how very tender of you to share your story with those of us here. I can’t even imagine how difficult it was for you to write the words, but I am grateful that you did so.

    I will be praying.


  17. Wow! Your blog is truly inspiring to me and helped me in many ways to know I wasn’t alone in the questions I was asking and the train of thought I had. You made a LOT of valid points as well. Thank you for sharing your struggle. I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers are with you. I just finally posted my miscarriage struggle. Feel free to check out my blog 🙏💙


  18. Great post! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts. ~Shell


  19. This is excellent advice! Miscarriage is not something I have experienced or can understand. I had a pastor call me when he found out about the demise of my family. He said, “Matthew, I don’t have a clue what to say to you but I know that I needed to call and let you know I’m here.” That was the most honest call I received during that time. Some quoted Romans 8:28 and others said they understood, but I appreciated the one who was just present. As I was trying to bounce back from my issue, my counselor emphasized authenticity. It is sad that many churches and Christian circles don’t want raw honesty. It is often ugly, but it is necessary for true healing.


  20. Incredible stories, I am so grateful for your honesty and openness. Our honesty is the only thing that will help others. God bless all of us! I too had a miscarriage before I had my twins, and again after I had the twins. Then I had baby Chase.


  21. Thank you for taking the time and energy to put your story down for us. It was really really helpful and ministering. Blessings!


  22. Thank you for writing what a husbands emotions look like in miscarriage. I have had 11 miscarriages and 7 children. My husband and I would beg the Lord to not let me be pregnant just to miscarry again. We wanted pregnancies only to produce babies. I have to admit though with my last miscarriage there was a heartbeat and I knew that another soul went straight into heaven. We were still devastated as we are every time we miscarry but it somehow felt worth it. God bless you both.


  23. I appreciate so much what you have written here. I’m sending a link to my sister, who is in a lot of pain over my mom dying of cancer. What you wrote about your struggle is true for so many of us who lose someone we love.


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